From the beginning.

After the rain, come the rainbows or in our case a double rainbow and then still more rain. 

You see in the journey to motherhood, I sadly lost two babies before being honoured with the role of Mummy to Liberty. A story that I never thought would be mine as a 28 year old woman but I'll start from the beginning because I still don't know how I survived it all. 

My husband and I have now been married for just over three years and as we'd been together at that stage for over nine years we were well and truly ready to start our family... and as a huge planner and organiser with no worries or concerns I thought after our honeymoon would be the perfect time to start the exciting and fun journey of creating our family. Looking back at me Oh goodness girlfriend you were so naive. 

We are lucky enough after four months of actively trying we are pregnant, a little shocked as I looked down on the stick I have just peed on as I rush off to help my brother in law celebrate his wedding. The husband and I share knowing looks all day and I am secretly wanting to scream it from the rooftops. Of course I don't steal the thunder from my new sister in law and I spend most of the day in a dream and forward planning the rest of our lives with this little bundle of joy.

Fast forward to our generic 13 week scan, with still no worries, I breeze into the scan feeling exciting about seeing our little soul and hoping the morning sickness finishes in the next couple of weeks. Our world came crashing down as we were told our darling daughter had an evil curse called Edward Syndrome, something I had never heard of and a week later we horrendously lost her. This time for me is still such a blur even 18 months down the track. I think I blocked out a lot as a coping mechanism and I'll probably be that crazy old aunt who gets drunk and brings it up at inappropriate family gatherings in forty years time. 

The pain was excruciating and along with the physical ache my body had for the daughter I should have been carrying the mental pain for the future I had been creating was even worse. She was meant to be due on Remembrance Day, 11th November 2015. Instead she was lost the week before Mother's Day - utterly devastating. 

I was desperate to get pregnant again, I needed something positive to focus on and try and forget what had just happened. How niave, you never forget. No matter how much wine you drink, or screaming you do or how bitter or jealous you are for those around you. The loneliness in the middle of the night, when the house was quiet and no one knew I was awake. I would hold my hands over my belly and just cry. I'm sure I walked around like a zombie for a good couple of months trying to process the pain and hope for a new happiness, a different happiness. As even now I know that any future pregnancies have been tainted by this anxiety.

That joy came in September 2015, and I let out a huge sigh of relief. This time would be different, surely we're not that unlucky for anything to happen again. But sadly we lost this baby to at 10 weeks and I was once again wondering what I had done to deserve such a lot.

We deiced to take some time off the baby making train, it had become such a huge strain that I felt like I was pulling away from all my loved ones and pushing people with kids out of my life. We enjoyed Christmas and the Summer and in January we were blessed with the good news that we were once again pregnant. My mind was blank, I was so anxious that something would go wrong that I'd go to my OB weekly at some stages just to make sure everything was ok. I crossed off weeks nervously and never wrote a count down in my diary counting weeks. I just needed to pass those ten and thirteen week markers that had ended so horridly in the pass to be over and I could then enjoy the rest of the journey. 

When we found out we were carrying another baby girl, my heart sang! I've always wanted a daughter and my own mum is my best friend. In saying that if we had been blessed with a little man, I would have been stoked too. I would just have to learn to be a mum of boys. A mum of girls - I think I'll be alright! 

Our daughter's journey has not been an easy once, even after all this drama. At 20 weeks we found out that Liberty had a VSD (ventricular septal defect) or a hole in her heart and as it was quite large in size would require surgery. Hello world falling apart all over again. I seriously must have been a serial killer in a past life! How much drama can one have in the space of a couple of years. 

Her heart story is for another time, I promise you it has a happy ending. But for those struggling to start a family, add to their family, finding the right man to have a family with. I stand beside you. I know the bitter feeling you have in your hearts, I've been there. I know the excuses you make, the sadness in your eyes and the tears you shed in the shower. I've been there. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. You are sadly not alone. 

If anything I can promise you this, 

You cannot have a rainbow without any rain.